The Psychological Price of Cofoundership

TL;DR

Hey, I’m Tim! ☕

Being a cofounder is stressful.

Pressure, uncertainty, conflict, burnout, expectations, workload.

And as if that's not enough, you and your cofounder can stress each other out too.

Just like you all have your own love languages, you speak your own stress languages as well.

And if you don’t understand them, it might as well be the end of your cofoundership.

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DEEP DIVE

“Embracing stress is a radical act of self-trust.” — Kelly McGonigal, psychologist, Stanford lecturer, and author of The Upside Of Stress.

Stress Signals

While working with her clients, therapist Chantal Donnelly noticed a critical gap in their treatment: effective stress management. Thus, the stress languages were born:

1. The Fixer “me to the rescue”

   • Immediately tries to fix the problem, even when not asked or needed

   • May cross boundaries or come off as nagging or controlling

2. The Denier “everything’s fine”

   • Copes using forced optimism, which can lead to toxic positivity

   • May downplay negative feelings and neglect problems

3. The Numb-er “out of sight, out of mind”

   • Distracts themselves with substances, screen time, or even overworking

   • May let things build up and get worse over time

4. The Exploder “it’s all your fault”

   • Reacts aggressively with confrontation, blame, and finger-pointing

   • May lash out at others or storm out in the middle of conversation

5. The Imploder “it’s all my fault”

   • Internalizes the tension, leading to intense self-criticism and shame

   • May erode confidence and prevent themselves from taking further risk

Reading articles like this one often feels like a mental high-five — you nod, think 'wow, that’s insightful,' and then completely forget about the takeaways in your day-to-day.

That’s because they haven’t been grounded in the context of your reality.

Let me do that for you.

TIM’S TAKE

Pressure Points

The way a cofounder handles stress impacts the entire team and company culture. That’s why it’s so important to get good at pattern recognition.

Try to notice and discern which stress languages are present in these real scenarios that I’ve encountered.

Scenario 1

Cofounder A spots a delay in the launch schedule and, without consulting Cofounder B, dives into drafting emails, reassigning tasks, and offering solutions. Cofounder B, who’s been leading product dev, feels micromanaged and wonders if Cofounder A doubts their capabilities.

If this pattern continues, they’re setting themselves up for a never-ending tug-of-war over decision-making, with one or both cofounders feeling sidelined.

A more effective approach would’ve been for Cofounder A to acknowledge Cofounder B’s expertise. Then, they should ask “what’s preventing the features from shipping?” rather than “why haven’t you shipped the features?”

Scenario 2

When faced with increasing pressure from investors, Cofounder A insists that everything is "under control." Cofounder B tries to bring up issues in strategy meetings, but Cofounder A always responds with a smile and dismisses any concerns.

If this continues, Cofounder B will feel frustrated and disconnected because they’re unable to help and Cofounder A will slowly grow resentful for shouldering the burden.

Cofounders need to have extreme conviction and to exude optimism. But that cannot come at the cost of being vulnerable and addressing the truth, together.

Scenario 3

During a product meeting, Cofounder A pitches a rather ambitious idea that could improve the user experience. Cofounder B, feeling pressure from tight deadlines, shuts it down. Cofounder A withdraws.

If this behavior is repeated, Cofounder B effectively shuts down all channels for open dialogue and constructive feedback. Nobody will want to share ideas.

Cofounder B’s outbursts probably stems from deep-seated fears of failure rather than an aversion to Cofounder A. Address those fears and insecurities beneath the surface.

You might’ve noticed that several stress languages are present in each scenario. I personally oscillate between distracting myself in the gym and trying to be overly optimistic.

Whenever you feel tension in your cofoundership, start asking questions. Ask which tendencies and behaviors are patterns on repeat. Ask which stress language you or your cofounder are speaking.

There’s no one-size-fits-all solution. I wish there were.

But asking the right question is half the answer. This is the best way to set yourself up for the cofoundership you want.

Part of me wants to tell you that you can prevent this by lowering your stress, but let’s be honest, you know that’s a load of crap.

You wouldn’t be a cofounder if you wanted a stress-free lifestyle.

Instead of wishing for a lighter load, broaden your shoulders.

LAST LOOK

If you want more personalized advice, book some time with me.

Missed a Cherrytree edition? Grab a coffee and hit the archive to get all caught up.

Thanks!

Tim He
Founder & CEO